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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.